What happened
yesterday was like a hit to me. Too many things came to my mind. And somehow, I
came to a conclusion.
I was being so stupid
for this past eight years. I was just being too delusional and spoiled myself
with bullshit. I let myself to be consumed by unrealistic imagination where I
would be—in the end—going to be with him.
In the past eight
years, what did I do? Just staying there where he spread his wings, flew here
and there and now he’s ready to spread his wings even more wider to fly even
more further away. It’s like I was living in a cave but doing my things but
still waiting for him who went for a hunt in the jungle. Well, not exactly like
that but let’s just think that way.
I always wait for him.
Always, for eight years. Even though I started to like someone else I just
couldn’t get away from him. It’s always him, coming around.
Yesterday I met him,
again. Although I knew he would be there but I rejected that thought thinking
that it was still in the holiday and he would be somewhere else. But I did meet
him, on the stairs on the way to the second floor of his department building. I
wasn’t going to meet him but I was going to meet my other friend who was about
to have one step closer to graduation.
That moment I met
him and he said my name and he asked me where I was going and smiled, my heart
raced and my body felt funny. I couldn’t stop giggling, I couldn’t help myself
to smile to myself. I couldn’t help to feel funny when he smiled but I didn’t
smile at all because I was very surprised, I should’ve smiled to him since I
smiled widely to the other friend I know that study there too and met him in
the parking lot.
At home I began to
think about that moment all over again. I began to analyze why my heart raced
and why I had funny feeling inside me also why after all this time I just
couldn’t let myself act normal to him.
I remember when I
was conversing with my friend she commented that I just probably just like him
as a fan (funny thing when he is not an idol but I idolize him but I don’t
idolize him though?), she thought that is why I still like him after all this
time. From her comment, I began to think of the person I liked before. I immediately
thought of Mikey Way, after all this time and after all he did, I still think
that he is hot, but not the same feeling I had for him before. And I was
thinking about G-Dragon, but my feeling changed too. So, I didn’t agree with
her but I am not taking this possibility in to the trash bin.
And my other friend
said because I sincerely love him. I laughed it off and said that I don’t know
love so I would definitely throw this possibility away.
But why did my heart
race that day? I was thinking because I have
feelings for him. But then I realized, we met on the second floor and it was
holiday—school hasn’t started yet and it’s the third week of the holiday. Do
you notice something? Yes, because climbing up the stairs became like an exercise.
I hadn’t move my body since holiday started (if walking to the bathroom and
kitchen don’t count), and then I had to climb the stairs to the second floor.
Of course, my heart would race, it supposed to be that way.
My heart raced
because I climbed the stairs not because of his smile.
My heart beats for
me to live, not because of him.
I still have not
figured out how my body felt funny and why I couldn’t stop giggling and
everything but I will, it’s the matter of time. I just lack of knowledge to
answer that. I just need more experience and more life to answer that.
It’s just the matter
of time.
And it’s not like
because I like him since I was young.
No, although I don’t
what this feeling is but it is not love
(yet).
I should keep away
this thought that generalize love.
Because, now I know it
is not.
