rambling

What happened yesterday was like a hit to me. Too many things came to my mind. And somehow, I came to a conclusion.

I was being so stupid for this past eight years. I was just being too delusional and spoiled myself with bullshit. I let myself to be consumed by unrealistic imagination where I would be—in the end—going to be with him.

In the past eight years, what did I do? Just staying there where he spread his wings, flew here and there and now he’s ready to spread his wings even more wider to fly even more further away. It’s like I was living in a cave but doing my things but still waiting for him who went for a hunt in the jungle. Well, not exactly like that but let’s just think that way.

I always wait for him. Always, for eight years. Even though I started to like someone else I just couldn’t get away from him. It’s always him, coming around.

Yesterday I met him, again. Although I knew he would be there but I rejected that thought thinking that it was still in the holiday and he would be somewhere else. But I did meet him, on the stairs on the way to the second floor of his department building. I wasn’t going to meet him but I was going to meet my other friend who was about to have one step closer to graduation.

That moment I met him and he said my name and he asked me where I was going and smiled, my heart raced and my body felt funny. I couldn’t stop giggling, I couldn’t help myself to smile to myself. I couldn’t help to feel funny when he smiled but I didn’t smile at all because I was very surprised, I should’ve smiled to him since I smiled widely to the other friend I know that study there too and met him in the parking lot.

At home I began to think about that moment all over again. I began to analyze why my heart raced and why I had funny feeling inside me also why after all this time I just couldn’t let myself act normal to him.

I remember when I was conversing with my friend she commented that I just probably just like him as a fan (funny thing when he is not an idol but I idolize him but I don’t idolize him though?), she thought that is why I still like him after all this time. From her comment, I began to think of the person I liked before. I immediately thought of Mikey Way, after all this time and after all he did, I still think that he is hot, but not the same feeling I had for him before. And I was thinking about G-Dragon, but my feeling changed too. So, I didn’t agree with her but I am not taking this possibility in to the trash bin.

And my other friend said because I sincerely love him. I laughed it off and said that I don’t know love so I would definitely throw this possibility away.

But why did my heart race that day? I was thinking because I have feelings for him. But then I realized, we met on the second floor and it was holiday—school hasn’t started yet and it’s the third week of the holiday. Do you notice something? Yes, because climbing up the stairs became like an exercise. I hadn’t move my body since holiday started (if walking to the bathroom and kitchen don’t count), and then I had to climb the stairs to the second floor. Of course, my heart would race, it supposed to be that way.

My heart raced because I climbed the stairs not because of his smile.

My heart beats for me to live, not because of him.

I still have not figured out how my body felt funny and why I couldn’t stop giggling and everything but I will, it’s the matter of time. I just lack of knowledge to answer that. I just need more experience and more life to answer that.

It’s just the matter of time.

And it’s not like because I like him since I was young.

No, although I don’t what this feeling is but it is not love (yet).

I should keep away this thought that generalize love.

Because, now I know it is not.